SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL
1981 HUGE TELEVISION SCREEN. IN FRONT OF THIS SCREEN IS A NEWSDESK. AT THE NEWSDESK IS A T.V. NEWS PERSONALITY. AMERICAN DARK-RIMMED GLASSES. BOW-TIE. VERY EARNEST. TO ONE SIDE ARE THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE REVIEW AS A PANEL. SITTING VERY STILL LIKE DEAD. IT IS A T.V. SPECIAL. SPOTLIGHT ON NEWSMAN. NEWSCASTER
Good evening and welcome to Saturday Night Special brought to you by courtesy of Smith and Western for the American gun lobby. As you know this is the only programme devoted to an in-depth live coverage of one of America's dearest institutions (PAUSE) assassination. This year has been very exciting here at Channel 007. The up-to-date score is one Latin American Revolutionary 2 Italian Diplomats, 1 West-German Businessman, 2 Pop Stars, a famous Religious Leader and disappointingly a failed Kennedy assassination.
Tonight we have been particularly lucky because we have news of a Presidential shooting from Washington. Before we go over to the scene of the shooting I want you to have your score sheets ready.
Are you there?
HOLDS HEARING AID.
There appears to be some Satellite interference. Well before we show you the latest action replay I'll give you an update of the state of the two parties. Successful - Democrats 4, Republicans 6. Seriously wounded - Democrats 2, Republicans 3 (laughs). Well it looks like the Democrats have all the best shots. We have in the studio Richard Brock, our resident assassination expert, who specialises in Presidential assassinations. Tell us Richard why do you think the Democrats are trailing the Republicans so badly? RICHARD
POMPOUS HALTINGLY LIKE WINCHESTER IN MASH Well, of course I can't be dead certain but it seems to be the case that the Republicans either have more loathsome candidates or they make bigger targets.
SATELLITE PICTURE REFORMS.
WE SEE A MAN GETTING OUT OF A LIMOSINE SURROUNDED BY BODYGUARDS. THEN A MAN COMES FORWARD AND STARTS SHOOTING. THE BODYGUARDS RUN FOR COVER AND THE PRESIDENT GETS SHOT ONCE IN THE HEAD AND 3 TIMES IN THE CHEST (BONNIE AND CLYDE TYPE CLUTCHING). NEWSCASTER
Wow, did you see that, we'll replay it slowly for you.
We'll be showing you the Reagan and Kennedy and Lennon assassinations for comparison a little later. I think you can see the first bullet entering his temple now.
FILM STOPS. SCREEN MARKED WITH CIRCLE WHERE BLOOD SHOWS LIKE ON GOAL OF THE MONTH. NEWSCASTER
If you compare it with the killing we showed you last week at the Guggenheim these things are becoming a real art form.
ANOTHER SLOW MOTION FILM COMES UP. THIS TIME A MAN SHOOTS ON HIS KNEE FROM FURTHER AWAY.
Wonderful, wonderful, finesse. Of course it is not just the actual style of shooting or killing we ask you to look for, but also the overall context.
ON SCREEN THE PRESIDENT'S WIFE COMES UP CLOSE. SHE IS CRYING. CAMERA ZOOMS INTO HER EYES. INTERVIEW ON SCREEN
How are you feeling at this moment Mrs President? Can you give us some comment about your husband's death, the people have a right to know.
SHE BREAKS DOWN AND SOBS.
Thank you, thank you, that was great.
BROCK CONTINUES MUSINGLY – NO ONE IS LISTENING TO HIM ANY LONGER RICHARD
If the Democrats got fatter candidates or advocated massive cuts in welfare spending or cut some hit records they might do just as well. (BECOMES INANIMATE). FEMALE PANELIST(Joyce Grenfell Type)
I don't think the killings aren’t political at all, they are all to do with the climate. I think you are missing the point. After all we are not just here to go over Presidential assassinations. Before we end the programme could we see that rather splendid car bomb from outside the U.N.?
BRIEF BUT SPECTACULAR FILM OF LATIN AMERICAN GUY, BIG MOUSTACHE, BIG FACE ON SCREEN, RUNNING ROUND SOME GUARDS TO THROW BOMB. GREAT EXPLOSION. NEWSCASTER
Remember you at home have to judge the best three terrorist acts this season. Just mark the three you have chosen in the correct order. The first number 1, the second number 2, and the third number 3. The first correct entry will receive a telescopic rifle, a Saturday Night Special 38 handgun and a year's free supply of ammunition. Tune in next week when we are bringing you an exciting Killerthon - our new special about serial killers.